Recently I read a lovely book, The Joy of Less by Francine Jay. One of the key ideas from the book is that we use 20% of our stuff 80% of the time. What does that say about the other 80% of our stuff?
Our family has been extremely busy lately working on some big projects. I hope to share the outcome of those with you soon! But part of the work has involved not just decluttering superfluous, unused items but also many aspirational things. Pieces of who I used to be and who I wanted to be.
One example is kids’ stuff. As parents, we all want our kids to feel safe, secure, and loved. Whilst I never went too over the top with clothing, toy or gear purchases, I definitely accumulated much more than we needed over time. (What first-time parent doesn’t, I guess?) Hand-me-downs from family and neighbors, generous gifts, things I bought because I thought I’d be a certain type of parent but it didn’t turn out–all this stuff needed/needs to go now.
Baby and kids’ stuff has definitely been the hardest category for me so far because even though my children aren’t even aware of most of the stuff we own–it can still feel like I’m depriving them by giving away a toy they’ve never seen or clothing extras. When in reality, the opposite is true. I need to let go of the extra stuff to clear the way for positive change.
Another category I’ve been working on lately is outdoor gear. Some things we’re keeping, some we’re giving away. Luckily in this category, there are plenty of neighbors who want a used camp stove or cooler. So it’s going to a good home where it will be used, which makes me feel good.
Still, it can be hard for me not to feel like I’m giving up a part of myself and my previous life, when Eric and I loved to road trip, hike and camp all the time. Even though I really gave it up for the next decade (at least) when I started to have kids–the stuff is symbolic of that retired part of my identity.
On a deeper level, while sacrificing the ability to be so spontaneous and adventurous has been very worth it to me (I love my kids and I love parenting!), I recognize that we have gone down a very different path than most of our friends. “Two roads diverged in a wood” and all that. And whilst all our paths have been filled with different hardships, joys and moments of personal growth–it’s hard to grow apart from people who were once like family.
I feel that way about most of my friends from college now. The memories are good; the partings (and occasional chats) are bittersweet. Such is life that only a few friendships stand the test of time. And all these thoughts just float through my head as I’m writing a description for a camp stove on my local Buy Nothing page!
As I part with these things, I realize that in real life I only need/use so, so few of them. The 80/20 rule is definitely true for me. The unnecessary 80% can be tough to let go of emotionally, but it feels wonderful when they’re gone. I feel lighter having processed what it meant to me and coming to terms with the reality of my life now. I can make space for happy memories, and my different but lovely present life to coexist–I can thank things, and people, for what they once meant to me, but release myself from the burden of caring for the item or continuing a relationship that has reached its natural end.
xx Claire