During middle and high school, there were a lot of problems in my life. My parents’ divorce and subsequent family tensions, untreated anxiety, academic pressure and low self-esteem–many things weren’t ideal.
But one thing that I look back on and appreciate is how I made room to breathe in my life, despite all the external influences that told me not to.
In middle school, instead of being involved in 1000 clubs and activities, I spent most of my free time playing with my sister, on the phone with my best friend N, or writing in my journal.
In high school, instead of taking ALL the advanced classes or dedicating myself to a sport or academic club, I made time to write, to read, to daydream whilst listening to music, and to be out in nature. During a particularly stressful period my junior year, I drove to the local nature preserve almost every day. I would take the quiet inner walking trail and sit on the trail watching the deer eating in the meadow and listening to the wind in the trees.
I often felt guilty that I wasn’t constantly busy bulking up my resume or studying more. But preserving the part of myself that wanted to stay young and find the magic in the everyday was simply more of a priority to me.
Right now in life, I crave that white space – room to breathe – margin – whatever you want to call it.
Parenting in the US does not lend itself to much breathing room. I understood the need for societal supports of parents hypothetically in the past, but to live it is an entirely different, intense, alienating experience.
I think this is why I’ve thrown myself into decluttering so wholeheartedly right now. I don’t need more money, possessions, housecleaners, meal delivery kits, or choices in general. I need less stuff, less space, fewer commitments, fewer onerous relationships, and a streamlined life with fewer choices.
It’s in the margins of life that everyday magic resides, and the small moments and spontaneity that make life worth living.
I want that not just for myself, but for my kids. I don’t want it to be this off-the-beaten-path choice that they have to make, to have that breathing room – I don’t want them to feel like it’s a choice between being successful or being mentally well and content. Of course life always has its stressful and busy moments, but I don’t want them to be our norm.
Whenever I hold an object, think about a relationship or consider a choice or commitment, I ask lately: “will this give me more margin, or take it away?”
xx Claire