Currently I’m lifting myself out of a reading rut (I only read one book in February and didn’t love it). When choosing my new read, I thought, I need something girly and fluffy. A quick, light read; not another of my thick parenting books or journalism-style current issue reads.
I went with Thirty Chic Days: Practical inspiration for a beautiful life, which has been on my Kindle reading list for ages. And while it is the perfect light, self-indulgent read, it also speaks some wonderful truths about the importance of our mindsets and small daily habits to our quality of life.
I actually want to write a few posts on various topics from this book as I think they’re so, so true and habits that I’ve been working on cultivating in my daily life. But today I wanted to chat about the general importance of self-esteem (or self-worth, how we see ourselves) and self-respect (how we treat ourselves).
Sadly, I used to believe that I only deserved to see myself as a good, worthy human–and prioritize self-care–if I had “proved” my worth through my actions. Usually, that meant good grades; following through on my extracurricular commitments, like practicing the piano and tutoring; not eating too many calories; and pandering to everyone in my life so that they wouldn’t get mad at me. (Because if someone was angry with me for whatever reason, that meant I was a bad person.)
Looking back, I had a lot of internalized shame about innate qualities of myself–such as my desire to be feminine; my lack of passion for academics; and that I was a rather daydream-y, non-competitive teen and young adult–that I felt I shouldn’t possess. This was based on input from various sources including my own family, friends and peers at school, and teachers and guidance counselors.
I felt I had to make up for these shortcomings by doing what everyone else told me was important. I wouldn’t want to show my true, “flawed” self to the world, after all. I thrived on positive affirmation from others and thought it didn’t mean anything coming from me.
(But as a therapist once told me, it only means something when it comes from you.)
Fortunately, in my 20s, I’ve come to realize my old view is an absolutely backwards perspective on life. Having a positive self-image is the foundation for a successful, happy career and personal life. And far from being superficial, prioritizing self-care actually boosts your self-esteem and allows you to be more confident, content, and ultimately successful in life.
When I graduated from college, I thought, I’d love to be a writer. People around me told me it wasn’t possible because I didn’t have any professional experience. I had a biology degree and I should use it. So for several years I waffled between jobs then SAHM, writing and practicing photography on my blog in my spare time. I never thought anyone would publish anything I’d written, because I had no experience and therefore my writing must be bad.
But when I dispensed with the idea that I had to be perfectly prepared to submit my work, and instead started looking at rejection as a learning experience (not a reflection of myself as a failure), that’s when I started to get published. I wasn’t afraid to try new things and fail because if I didn’t have experience–well, darn it, this was the only way to get it!
Does rejection still sting a little bit? Yes, of course. When you throw an hour or two into a piece and someone says “this isn’t quite what we’re looking for” or doesn’t respond at all, it’s not fun per say. But it doesn’t shake my perception of myself as someone who is a good person trying to do the right thing. I still eat healthy meals, take daily walks and continue doing things like revamping my wardrobe.
Honestly–it’s a bit like “who cares” anymore? I tried, I failed, I learned something. Life goes on. But building that foundation of liking yourself and respecting yourself is ultimately how I came to that contented place.
What’s a lesson you learned in your 20s that’s changed your life?
xx Claire