Especially in the past year, I’ve really started to feel the distance between most of my friends from “previous lives” (high school and college) and my current life and self. Most of them do not have kids and/or are unsure if they want any. I am guessing many new-ish parents can relate.
This is one area I was definitely wearing rose-tinted glasses when planning a family. Expecting that people who felt so close and supportive of us pre-kids, would continue to be close and supportive after having them. That’s not the case for most people.
Instead, while I continue to be privy to many details of their relationships, careers, travels, and personal goals, our friendships become increasingly one-sided. They ask a few perfunctory questions about the kids and then it’s pretty much me listening and engaging with their lives for the rest of the conversations. As if I’m supposed to silently acknowledge and be okay with the fact that my life is now boring and unrelateable to them–as if my kids will simply cease to exist one day and I’ll go back to being “interesting” and “myself” again.
What these people seem not to understand is that, I didn’t have kids because I felt any external pressure to. I don’t want to hurry through the phase of babies and toddlers so I can return to a previous self and life. I would have a dozen kids if I could–I really love babies, toddlers, all the challenges and hilarious moments, making memories as a family and my new life. Which will never go back to the way it was before, in the same way that I will never (nor do I want to) be the same person I was pre-kids.
People weave in and out of our tapestries of life, and most good things come to an end someday (all, eventually). I don’t like dramatic moments of cutting people off forever, but I wonder why people continue to call, text, or pretend to be interested in my life when our relationship is obviously coming to its natural end?
I know this is a bit spicy for one of my blog posts, but I’ve heard it all over the past few years and I truly can’t fathom saying any of these things to people I love and/or care about:
- “Was it on purpose?” re: our first child
- “Did you mean to?” re: our third child
- “Are you done now?” after two kids
- “I’m not ready for you to have kids!” Thanks… I wasn’t asking for your permission actually.
- “Nooo, ugh.” Followed by some other offensive statements I won’t repeat here. When they asked if I wanted more kids after three and I said yes.
- “I’m so glad I don’t have kids.” Said while my children were in the room.
Just… why? I don’t randomly say things like “Lucky I didn’t go to grad school! Think of the cost and workload, and what if your salary isn’t even higher afterwards!” or “I’m so glad I don’t work outside the home” to these people… even though both are true. Everyone makes different choices, and trying to shame people for theirs just because you feel insecure or abandoned is unnecessary and damaging. Mostly to them–you are not winning me over by insulting me, that’s for sure.
Anyways, those are my *spicy* thoughts for today. What are your thoughts on parenting and friendships? (Remember you can always comment as a guest!)
xx Claire