A topic that’s near and dear to my heart because well–I’ve been there.
2021 was a year of seeeerious burnout for me. The pandemic started in 2020 when my oldest was just seven months old, and I was pregnant again by June. My pregnancy was fraught with medical issues from the beginning and by the time 2021 arrived, I was done with all the bad things that kept happening, in the world and my personal life.
But, 2021 started off with a chaotic labor and delivery and my baby spent a week in the hospital. Then he had all sorts of medical complexities, appointments and worries from the minute he was released to go home. My eldest also had a severe speech delay that didn’t begin to resolve until the fall, so I was home all day every day alone with two tiny nonverbal children (unless I was at the doctor’s).
I mean really, burned out doesn’t even begin to cover it–looking back on all of crazy, rebellious (bordering on conspiracy theorist), and cynical places my mind went that year, it’s no wonder, considering that we were also doing all of this completely alone thanks to COVID isolation.
And that, friends, is how I learned the importance of catching burnout early and treating it appropriately. 2021 was the second time I felt majorly burned out in life–the first being my junior year of college–and both times, I was in denial for quite some time. It took months to start feeling like myself again, because I didn’t do anything until I literally could not push forward anymore.
How to Tell You’re Burned Out
Burnout is one of those things you intrinsically know. Doing the simplest things feels intolerably difficult (like you simply cannot bear another afternoon reading truck books to your toddler). You don’t have the time or energy to plan something for yourself to look forward to, so the days drip by joylessly. You can’t recall the last time you felt motivated to pursue a hobby or project beyond the bare necessities and your free time is mostly filled by endlessly scrolling social media or watching mindless TV.
Both times I’ve been burned out, I’ve also fallen down the rabbit hole of questioning all my choices–but felt totally stuck and unable to change my life. This is a tricky problem because sometimes it’s true. I wasn’t about to drop out of college with a year left to go, and I couldn’t do anything about the pandemic. I have empathy for myself during those times because yes, some contributors to my burnout were beyond my control.
However, it’s not helpful to despair that you can’t change the big things. It’s quite frankly a waste of time and will only reinforce a sense of helplessness. I believe focusing on the little things can help propel us through those difficult phases of life and come out on the other side feeling optimistic about the future (instead of like we’ve wasted part of our lives in the waiting).
How to Treat Burnout
- Reject the idea of “dying to self” in motherhood. This for both my fellow SAHMs and the working ladies out there. The world tells us to die to ourselves and give it all up for our families, and that’s just about the fastest track to being a resentful, unpleasant-to-be-around human being ever. You need your own time, space and hobbies–for your own mental health and for your familial relationships.
- Commit to doing something for yourself, beyond cleaning, cooking, and childcare. Whenever blogging/writing/reading fall by the wayside for me for too long, my cup is empty. Find an activity that rejuvenates you and do it regularly.
- Get back on track with a daily routine. If you don’t have a rough daily outline, then make one. Nothing really happens on schedule with kids, but having a predictable flow makes you feel so much more on top of life! Things to include might be preschool/childcare, daily household chores, meal and snack times, your evening self-care routine, etc.
- Give yourself little pleasures to look forward to every day. They don’t need to be big or expensive at all. I look forward to morning lattes, evening writing time, post-workday chores sans children (you know how nice it is to just get stuff done sometimes!), pizza Fridays so I don’t have to cook, and planned calls or coffee breaks on weekday afternoons. And nice hand cream + an e-book before bed to help me fall asleep! These things make my life feel luxurious with barely any extra cost.
- Focus on simply being with your children instead of teaching, disciplining, memory-making, etc. Often we put too much pressure on ourselves as parents to make every minute count. Sometimes it’s for the best to just peacefully coexist with your kids and get to know them in a stress-free way. It’s difficult, especially when you’re a type A mom like me, but some of my favorite memories have been made during those relaxed and spontaneous times.
- Ask for help. The toughest but most important tip. It’s humbling to admit when you need help, isn’t it? I like to think I can do everything myself, but I can’t. Maybe you need to hire a nanny/mother’s helper for a few hours per week, ask family to pick up your grocery order or call a friend for some perspective. Whatever you need, be vulnerable and reach out; we aren’t meant to raise our kids alone.
Intrinsically, I dislike the feeling that I’m not making any forward progress. In parenting and family life, too! Maybe you can relate? I’m a very project/progress/goal-oriented person, so feeling like I’m just existing can sometimes feel like failure. This is what makes burnout so very difficult to deal with–you want to be moving forward but you just can’t find the motivation to do it.
Instead of looking at burnout in motherhood as a roadblock, think of it as a reminder to slow down. A reminder that simply existing and focusing on refilling your metaphorical cup isn’t failure; it’s you practicing self-care, and modeling self-care and balance to your children. Be gentle with yourself and take the time and help you need to recover. I’m rooting for you!
xx Claire
This is a disclaimer that I’m NOT a medical or mental health professional and obviously you should seek out professional advice for treatment of physical/mental health issues. This is simply my experience dealing with burnout due to external circumstances in life.
