Sometimes I get questions from family and friends as to why I don’t share more about the kids on the blog or social media. I could claim it’s for safety reasons, respecting their privacy or that I’m just maintaining the original purpose of the blog (a lifestyle, not parenting blog) but those are more benefits of not sharing much about them, not the why.
The more kids I have, the more I realize how important it is to continue to be someone outside of motherhood. I know many trad/evangelical influencers disagree with me on this. There is a LOT of content out there that elevates the idea of “dying to self” in motherhood and finding your entire purpose in your home and children. I really dislike that idea. Having kids doesn’t necessitate losing your sense of self.
There’s also a lot of content out there that tries to normalize mommy wine culture, making fun of your kids’ mistakes and gullibility, and generally the idea that you’re “winning” when you can “get away” from your kids/have as much “me time” as possible. I also really dislike that side of things (gee, I’m a barrel of joy today, aren’t I? lol). My kids aren’t annoying, I love spending time with them and I don’t get much time to myself right now and that’s that. That’s what I signed up for by, you know, having children.
But it’s possible to divorce the current logistics of life (my kids being young and time-consuming) from the idea that they should be my entire life and identity. In my opinion, they should not. My purpose in life isn’t to be some martyr who gives, gives, gives until I’m burnt-out, resentful and co-dependent because I have no sense of self or personal goals. That’s a one-way street to becoming the worst version of myself.
At the moment, again given the current logistics of life, maintaining my own identity consists of little snippets of things like:
- Religious/spiritual exploration
- Writing–in my journal, on the blog and occasionally in a paid capacity
- Spending time with Eric: the occasional date night, talking about things unrelated to kids/home, watching movies or a favorite show, spending time together after the workday while the toddlers play by themselves
- Reading for pleasure, not kid-related research
- Learning how to cook new things (this past month, roasting a chicken and my dad taught me how to cook two types of steak!)
- Time with friends or family that isn’t child-centered–I tend to believe this is good for kids too, when they are present but not the center of attention, they learn how to participate in normal conversation
- Walking/yoga/other exercise
- Enjoying a hot coffee or tea on the couch while there is chaos around me 😛
So it’s not like I’m going on wellness retreats or even out to eat alone since I still have an exclusively nursing baby right now. But drawing and maintaining boundaries between you are and who your kids are is so important always, even in the little ways.
No matter how many kids I have, the day will come when I can’t or don’t want to have any more–the day will come when the very last one leaves home and it’s just Eric and I again. I want to enjoy that time, and to enjoy healthy relationships with my adult children too (which can’t happen if I’m clinging onto them crying as they leave home, taking my sole identity and sense of purpose with them).
What are your thoughts on identity and motherhood, whether or not you have kids? Before kids, I found it very easy to judge moms for investing too much or too little (from my POV) in motherhood–now I understand how difficult it is to find that balance and judge much less.
xx Claire
