I’m currently working on a post about my summer wardrobe staples as promised–but just felt the need to write about my feelings right now instead of something structured today. That’s the joy of an unmonetized, personal blog… I can share whatever I want 🙂
Well. Maybe part of why I’m writing today is that I actually can’t do that.
The world feels extremely uncertain lately. Not in the immediate, pressing, terrifying way that it did a year ago, in the midst of COVID, protests, and presidential debates. But now that the air has cleared from those history-textbook-worthy events–what is the world going to look like in the future?
It’s quite clear to most people at this point that we will never go back to the way we were before. But what’s our new normal that has yet to take shape? What should the rules be? Whose safety and wellbeing do we prioritize? Where do we draw boundaries, in society, in relationships, with respect to our bodies?
In reality, nothing is black and white. But in an increasingly polarized society, it feels like much is.
I feel a nervous energy circulating. Change is coming. And I’m someone whose natural tendency is to hold onto the past with an iron grip. Perhaps the reason I feel so unsettled lately is that I’m fighting that tendency, because it’s never served me.
Maybe I feel unsettled because I’m along for the ride now, too.
Some things in my own life are becoming clear–like my calling as a mother, cycle-breaker, and freelance writer (yes, I’m getting paid for it. Yes, I’ll share the link when my first article is published soon!). But with some things, I feel like I’ve suddenly come to a crossroads and the way is not clear. I’m terrified of making a wrong decision and regretting it.
I feel deeply that this is not our permanent home. I feel called to speak my mind even when my opinions are unpopular. I feel the need to surrender and trust God in these instances, but I’m impatient, and I wonder how long I’ll be waiting. Is x a sign? Or am I just jumping at a coincidence?
These questions also call to mind the questions of who I am and what my values are, and often I feel like there are two versions of me.
The one I was raised to be, who constantly feels like she has an audience of all her past family and friends looking over her shoulder. (That feeling is all me–it’s not reality.)
And the one I’ve become independent of my self-created audience, over the past couple of years. I don’t feel watched and judged anymore. But I have new thoughts, opinions, affiliations–that aren’t what my friends and family often believe. I have mixed feelings about that.
On and offline, I see change in the lives of people around me. Illness, death, separation and divorce. Moving, children, career changes, speaking out against the status quo. I keep my circles small but things are still changing still. That melancholy voice at the back of my mind wishes it wasn’t so.
Do you ever wish you could unknow things or rewind time? I think overall the changes and soul-searching in my own life–and around me, since they are often inevitable–are progress simply because they were written by God, even if I can’t see their purpose. But when I’m tired and craving the comfort of literal and metaphorical places that no longer exist, I wish just that.
xx