I don’t mean this in the woo, “manifesting” type of way. You certainly cannot just dream your way into wealth, fame, marriage, etc. without changing your behavior, too.
I mean this in the sense that Brene Brown talks about when she says:
Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.
I would add that shame causes us to believe that we are not deserving of the good things in life that change could bring about.
Many, many people grew up and continue to grow up—or truthfully, to experience arrested development—with a very deep sense that something is fundamentally wrong or bad about them. They think it means they don’t deserve good things in life.
Perhaps you are like I was. Even things are going well, you feel that you’re always waiting for the other shoe to drop, for God or the universe to take away your happiness in some weird, twisted karmic way? Or when things are going badly, you actually have some sense of relief because you believe deep down that struggle means you are getting what you deserve in life?
Unearthing shame and the reasons why it’s untrue for you is the most important inner work we can do. I’ll give you an example from my own life that I have been breaking down in recent years.
I always secretly wanted to be a housewife and have children; that was my ultimate goal. However, because everyone told me that housewives were disempowered leeches (to summarize), I felt that I was a bad, lazy, not-feminist for wanting that out of life.
I kept my real dreams a secret, and I felt like I had to pick “dream jobs” and make it seem like I was passionate about academic topics when I really wasn’t. I lied to everyone around me and tried to lie to myself for a very long time because I had so much shame about wanting a domestic life.
Then, when I became a housewife and SAHM, I felt like I deserved bad things to happen to me constantly for a while. Because I had chosen the “easy route out” (LOL—I wish it was easy some days!).
When I started to unpack that sense of shame, guilt, and believing that I didn’t deserve happiness in life, I realized some basic truths:
- Life doesn’t have to be difficult.
- Something is not wrong (or about to go wrong) if things are going smoothly.
- Choosing easy does not make you a bad person.
- Sometimes, I self-sabotage and find or create problems because I am afraid of being happy.
- Feeling/being feminine or domestic is as valid as any other identity or personality trait.
- I don’t need to justify my desire to be feminine and domestic with Bible verses, tradwife philosophies, cost-benefits analyses or any other form of justification. If this situation works for me and our family (which it does), that is enough.
- You don’t need to justify any of your choices that don’t affect others to those people.
What is it for you? Why do you believe you aren’t deserving of good things in life? Write all the reasons down and go through them one by one. Are they true? Most of them probably are not, if you consider them in the context of anyone else’s life.
This isn’t to say that everyone deserves everything they desire on a silver platter. I am happy with our life and feel that it generally runs well. But we still have trying toddler behavior days, get sick, behind on housework, or wake up on the wrong side of the bed. I feel that we don’t want for much financially—yet I still do weekly budget check-ins and scrounge our cupboards for budget meals at the end of the month.
But it’s quite possible to feel like you are living luxuriously even with tantrums and budgeting. And it starts with inner peace—believing deep down that you are a good person deserving of good things. It’s a practice that takes time, forgiveness and flexibility in thinking, but it is oh-so-worth-it.
Remember: everyone makes honest mistakes. You are still a good person. You deserve good things. <3
xx Claire