Lately, I have a strange feeling when I wake up in the wee hours of the morning to feed Aidan (who invariably wakes up for the day between 5:30 and 6am despite my best efforts). For a long time, in my sleep-deprived state, I reached for my phone to keep myself awake whilst nursing.
But now, I’m reluctant to start my day by opening that proverbial can of worms right off the bat.
When I open Instagram, I feel the need to either watch all those unwatched stories across the top or else “mute” that person so they’re out of mind, out of sight. I feel guilty for not posting to my own feed or stories for a few days. Scrolling down, there’s everything from politics (which I may or may not agree with) to fashion (reminding me that my own wardrobe is a work in progress) to people who seem to love every minute of their lives (whilst I try to be positive, I definitely don’t, that makes me feel guilty, and also it’s way too early to be that enthusiastic!).
Facebook? Long, often irrelevant, involved posts by members of various groups I’m in. (My few dozen friends don’t post regularly to their own timelines, so my feed is mostly just group posts). And also people trying to sell me things. Nobody wants your 30-year-old stained brocade couch, neighbor down the street, and they definitely don’t want to pay $500 for it!
Reddit? I’m barely active, but you can’t open it without being bombarded with polarized political opinions, negativity and the latest current events/tragedies. Discussion of the news will inevitably crop up on every subreddit, no matter how small. I can feel my jaw tensing up just thinking about it.
Then there are the communications apps: WhatsApp, Messenger, the native texting app. I deleted the ones I didn’t use, but there’s often a message on a remaining app, and that notification in the corner of the screen nags at me to answer. I don’t have the brainpower or desire to write texts before breakfast, but just knowing it’s there as a to-do stresses me out.
It’s too much input—not just at 6am, but all the time.
There’s the expectation to always be available, always be caught up. Because with the whole world at your fingertips, why wouldn’t you?
I can barely remember what life was like before I felt compelled to share–a photo of my meal, our family on an outing, the latest brilliant quote. Life has become defined by sharing for so many people. So while I don’t even share much, the instinct to do so feels ever-present.
And the thing is, that’s natural, right? To want to share moments from your life and experience those of others. And the isolation of modern society has taken away the ability to share many things in real time with our closest people. Social media definitely preys on that hole in our hearts.
Once upon a time, humans didn’t live in giant houses with only their spouses and children for company. (I realize my own house isn’t gigantic by modern standards—but by old-fashioned ones, it is!) We lived in tribes, and then we lived in multigenerational homes. According to the Internet, a significant minority of people lived in homes with 3+ generations through the 1940s!
I realized the other day that I’d happily delete all social media (and maybe just write or email the couple of good friends I’ve made through those sites) in exchange for that lifestyle. When something big or stressful happens in my personal life, I realize how burdensome social media can be. I get the urge to just get away from it all, not just for a few days but forever.
To delete all my accounts and disappear from those online worlds in which people seem so open and vulnerable and close, and yet so far and imaginary.
To put my photos in printed albums, simply for the sake of archiving our lives for posterity, instead of sharing them daily with a huge live audience.
To turn off my smartphone and replace it with a Nokia and a GPS.
To sit — think — dream — instead of scroll, which feels productive and yet I usually get nothing out of.
To live my private life offline, just like I did every day of my life until 2009 when I made my first Facebook account.
I know not everyone feels this way. Social media has its pros and cons, and the balance of what’s worth it is different for each person. I’m just trying to decide what’s right for me.