“The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” We know it’s not true, but for me at least, I subconsciously act like it is.
When I get overwhelmed by “the dailies,” by difficult relationships, by the annoying features of whatever place I’m living in at the moment, by many things—I feel an intense desire to run away, either physically, mentally, or digitally.
I start daydreaming about another place to move, that doesn’t share the drawbacks of my current one.
I unfriend and block the person in whichever relationship seems unfixable in the moment, without ever saying a word (truly Minnesotan of me), and wish there was some way I never had to interact with them again. I wish I could forget about everything that happened, forever.
I delete a bunch of social media accounts, lock down my blog, and block any sites that I habitually check.
What I want is some kind of clean break from an old life, to be able to begin from a truly blank slate. Which, of course, is a fantasy—it’s impossible.
Places, people, seasons of life. They all leave an indelible mark on you somehow.
More importantly, the new home you find, relationships you build, memories you make… they will all eventually have their seasons of ebbing and flowing, of enjoyment and hardship. I act like perfection is out there, but it doesn’t exist on earth.
For better or for worse, there are some things you can’t change about your circumstances. The hard part is facing up to those realities and deciding what to do them. And then making the most of your incomplete collection of imperfect blessings. Doing what you can, with what you have, where you are, as the saying goes.
And I struggle with that. I hold up people in my life against that perfect nonexistent parent, sibling, husband, friend in my head, and I’m disappointed that they fall short. (Usually not remembering in the moment all the ways that I disappoint them on a daily basis!)
For a long time I thought that if I could just put together the right blog, with the right narrative about myself and my life, with the right content from the start, that would be the key to it “taking off.” So I kept deleting blogs and starting new ones. Like I even knew who I wanted to be in ten years… I didn’t, and still don’t.
And I still daydream about moving to other places, like it would be the key to contentment. I know it wouldn’t.
The key to contentment is gratitude, not maladaptive longing for the romanticized versions of people and places we’ve created in our heads.
It’s jumping into your imperfect life headfirst—getting your hands dirty whilst fixing up your imperfect home, imperfect relationships and imperfect self—accepting that you will make mistakes, apologizing for them wholeheartedly, coming to terms with the fact that you can’t change other people.
“We must cultivate our own gardens.” Did you know? When I applied to Carleton, I scrapped the college essay I’d worked for weeks on with a tutor at the last second. I wrote a new essay about that quote, which is one of my favorites of all time. I’m still trying to live up to that sentiment now, and failing frequently. But the grass really is greener where you water it.
xx