The title is a goal, not a reality. Life has been busy lately because, well, when isn’t life busy with three tiny self-destructive time bombs running around the house? Plus continuing to set up our home, do yard work now that spring is here, visit with friends and family, and engage in personal projects.
I find myself resenting my phone lately. It’s like having a fourth, very un-gratifying child who seems to need attention dozens of times per day. Attention because it draws my gaze away from the real world when life is boring and uncomfortable; and also attention because I have a phone, and people know I have a phone so they contact me on it and of course expect a response. So I feel compelled to check it and respond in a timely manner.
I’m just tired of it. Of the distraction (reading is far more soothing than checking Facebook) and also the obligations that it adds to my life. And the emotional jarring-ness of receiving a negative message. Sometimes it makes me afraid to look at my phone, if I’m talking about a tough subject with somebody, yet I feel the need to in case there’s a message from someone else requiring a response.
Sometimes I just up and block people who I never receive nice messages from. But then I feel badly because, like, who does that? Why don’t I have the mental stamina to deal with this stuff? But also, I only have one life, and wasting it on unfulfilling relationships and being scared of my phone feels dumb.
Life was simpler before I had one of these portable, distracting, dopamine (and cortisol)-inducing things within reach all day.
I haven’t been on Instagram in weeks, and I love it. I love not knowing what so many other people are doing. I love not knowing all the updates I’m missing out on, the latest products I’m not buying and the life accomplishments I’m not measuring up to. I logged out and I’m not logging back in anytime soon (this is made easier by the fact that I have no idea what my password is).
I’ve been on Facebook entirely too much, being served up random ads and video clips and stressing about things in Facebook groups that I wouldn’t have known I should be stressing about if I hadn’t been on Facebook. Facebook is really keen on showing me clips from British soap operas for some reason, and two different characters in two different shows are dying from cancer at the moment. Why do I even know this.
I haven’t really wanted to post at all on any social media, because I realize that so much of what I shared–and it wasn’t much to begin with–was looking for affirmation. Look, my kids are cute! Look, my house is aesthetic! Look, my food is wholesome!
There’s a fine line between feeling inspired and feeling pressure to “keep up with the Joneses.” I often wonder if I will ever be able to use social media consistently without crossing that line.
Many of us millennials grew up in a society with a “scarcity mindset”–told we were going to be graded on a curve, because there was only enough success for a few elite students to share. Social media triggers (for me at least) all of those deep-seated fears that there’s not enough to go around, and if I don’t go after what I want intensely, competitively, faster… there won’t be enough left for me. No matter what it is. Money, academic or career success, children, friends, happiness.
This is silly obviously, when I put it like that, but it’s a real source of stress in my life and I’m guessing others.
I don’t have any solutions other than to get off social media and hopefully go through with exchanging my phone for a simpler version when this one breaks.
I read recently that if you spend two hours a day on your phone, that’s an entire month of each year. An entire month! I really feel the need to shed my phone before my kids get older.
Anyways, enough rambling. What do you think?
xx Claire